Master Cleanse: Day 5.5 & Night 6

Woke up at 8 AM this morning, on the couch, lights still on, teeth all fuzzy from overnight growth. Felt sort of awake, but knew with my tiny-but-getting-bigger-by-the-moment headache (which likely could've been remedied with a drink of water, thankyouverymuch Tylenol), that I should just go back to sleep. So I crawled into my bed (sorry, Birthday A, no links here), and slept FOUR MORE HOURS. Was so completely glorious!

Then I woke up and uploaded my photos from last night's party onto Facebook, brainstormed for funny captions, felt semi-guilty that I hadn't finished captioning the Israel outtakes (coming soon, DB, I promise!), but then fell asleep again, sorta. I prepared the salt water enema then, adding a half-quart to the mix b/c I wanted shit to start moving literally and guzzled it (ugh).

(p.s. I'm writing this as the wind is churning outside and I'm slowly realizing that my windows aren't insulated for shit! CMON!!)

I watched a few DVR'd shows as well as "You, Me and Dupree," which was fairly forgettable, and in between watching TV and trolling the interwebs, I half-heartedly starting thinking about what I needed to pack for next weekend. Ahh, next weekend. Not only will I be attending the rehearsal dinner on Friday the 16th, then wedding and reception on the 17th of a very dear childhood friend of mine in Maryland, but my family will be there (J's the best man also) so there's THAT and THEN J (my brother)'s accepting his law degree from Georgetown that Sunday the 18th, which is also his birthday! PHEW. He'll be 29. I can't believe he's almost 30. Yeah, it's a year away, but time flies.

Speaking of time and jumping ahead a few hours, after I got my pedicure (which was awesome - I spent 7 dollars more and got some cool massages and wraps AND got the sweetest nail color, called Peach Daiquiri), I went to Trade Fair to pick up some laxative tea, which I should've been drinking all along. While I was at the store, I figured, hey, why not make the chicken broth that you have to eat when tapering off this diet (planning for Tuesday)? And then, why not get some more food that I love to help me celebrate on Wednesday? Like smoked Gouda and flavored (but healthy - got Kashi! 7 WHOLE grains! I don't skimp.) crackers!

So about the time. The chicken broth recipe calls for thyme, which I didn't have at home. So I went to the spice aisle, which in the crowded Trade Fair, is next to one of the aisles, making it difficult to browse. Luckily some cool people were in the aisle that wanted to help me not have to buy the economy, Hi-I-have-six-kids jar of thyme. To no avail, however... PLUS we then had some playful banter about me having to buy the large jar -- such as, "I could always use some more time," and "Nothing bad about extra time." You get it. It was hilarious. Like Nick Cannon.

Then I just made chicken broth and watched episodes of "House" and "30 Rock" on Hulu.com. Woohoo for an uneventful Sunday. My last day of this godforsaken diet is tomorrow. I've felt like I've lost nothing. The trip consisted of some crazy emotional rollercoasters, but no weight loss as far as I can tell. Unless things change within the next 36 hours, I'm sticking to the old "workout" and "eat right" plan. Blerg.

Master Cleanse: Day 1.5

This morning I woke up feeling a little groggy and headache-y. I have low blood sugar normally, and usually eat some yogurt or a tiny bowl of cereal before heading out the door so I'm not a raging monster to all who cross my path.

This morning, I couldn't do those things. I woke up early so I could drink the Salt Water "Bath" slash Top-Down Enema that you must. take. with. enough. time. before. work. so. you. don't. shit. your. pants. on. the. way. I could barely choke the concoction down - 2 tsp "uniodized" sea salt in 1 qt water. UGH. Tasted like I swallowed the ocean. Then I juiced my lemons, measured out the maple syrup (GRADE B!) and dumped in the cayenne to stave off hunger pains. Then I laid down for a few since I felt ick. THEN came the rumblings. Luckily my bedroom's next to the bathroom. Where the hell did THAT come from??

(I then left for the subway to work, carrying my enormous Nalgene full of lemonade "drink." And I must admit, I wore panty liners to prevent any accidents. Seriously, this stuff comes out when it wants to.)

SO HUNGRY... so hungry... trying to rise above thoughts of food. I should choose when I want to eat it, not the other way around! (That's what I'm trying to tell myself, on repeat, broken-record style...) Everywhere there are temptations - from the fries and paninis my colleagues brought into a client meeting today to the bowl of Starburst and York Peppermint Patties near my desk that I walk by every hour since this drink fills up my bladder like it's 1999.

I kind of feel smug, in a way, like "Oh, look at all those slaves to food." But I'm also feeling, "Ugh, I just want to feel a different texture in my mouth - to crunch a chip or chew a sandwich." I'm kind of missing out on a social life this week since I'm not going out to dinners or out for drinks this week/weekend (YES! The weekEND!), but it's probably for the best since I need to heal both my checking account and my darling liver.

More later. I really have to pee.

Master Cleanse: Day .5

After consuming a large lunch at Koi (a most delicious Japanese eatery in the Bryant Park Hotel) of Crispy Rice, Lobster-Shrimp Tempura roll and Edamame, I decided to forgo other foods for the rest of the day. To save up for the big beginning of the Master Cleanse, you see.

So far, I have spent the night juicing and talking to friends. My sister-in-law was none too happy to hear of my entry into the crazy world of the Cleanse, but she and my brother said they'd offer support. Good thing, because one of my friends has dropped out. Lame! To give her credit, she has been on it for a full work day, whereas I've only been on it for a half-day. And only have consumed the "lemonade drink" once. My other friend (who's done it several times and is just coming off of it) said to put more cayenne pepper in than the recipe calls for since it's an appetite suppressant.

...oh my gosh, I can't even concentrate anymore. My stomach is turning itself inside out from hunger pains. I have to wake up early to make the rest of this crappy drink, as well as to account for dumping the entire contents of my bowels (slowly) into the toilet bowl. It won't be pretty. The top-down enema (sea salt and water! who knew!!) is going to make my intestines wring themselves dry.

Stay tuned...