Master Cleanse: Exit 1 (Day)

TODAY IS THE DAY I get to taper off the MC. Finally!!! I prepared my veggies last night for the broth I prepared on Sunday night, and poured my orange juice in the Nalgene bottle. And was on my way. Slowly. Had to drop dresses at the dry cleaners - I lurve doing everything last-minute, really. Laxative tea took effect this morning - twice at home, twice at work. Intense! If you ever want to try the tea, here it is.

Got to work slightly late, but it's all good. I'll work a little longer tonight. And by longer, I mean 6:15. Gotta get to the tailors to hem a dress I bought on Friday night that I might also bring to Maryland. This weekend is such a big weekend, I'm pulling out all stops! And packing six dresses, maybe more, in addition to a number of heels and other clothing and jewelry. Hawt.

OH - almost forgot to mention: I lost 5 lbs. Interesting. Don't really see it, but I guess it happened. From now on, I'm going to go with the exercise 5 days/wk and eat right method. It's worked in the past.

When I finally chewed a carrot, it felt a little exotic and wrong and thrilling. Bowels are doing fine so far. So far, so good. Not that I can say the same for C, who went on her new boss luncheon and ate salad (ok), bread (ahh) and cream of broccoli (ack!)! I love you, C. =)

Sort of going to stick to eating alkaline foods for the next two days as my stomach gets used to food again. This means no cheese, which is tantamount to death for me. All in good time, though. I can almost guarantee you that I'll regain those 5 lbs. this weekend. SCORE!

Master Cleanse: Day 6.5 and Night 7

Folks, today (which was really yesterday, the 12th), I am nearing the end, and I can't be more excited. I made chicken broth from scratch last night that is currently chilling. Once it's done, I'll scoop the fat (which has become solidified) from the top and serve... to myself.

Today marks the last time I need to choke down the lemon drink for a long time. Yay! Every sip brings me closer to the finish line. I brought 3 servings of drink into work today because I'm getting my hair highlighted and cut tonight and can't risk what happened last Friday (dehydration). I'm so so so so sick of the drink, and it was made worse by the fact that we had a surprise birthday cake (chocolate mousse cheesecake from JUNIOR'S, my fave) for two girls on my team today. I had my bottle of lemon drink, of course! Almost as good as cake.

Forgot to mention that while making the chicken broth, I sipped on some laxative tea. Unforch, I sipped a little toooo late because my stomach began a rumblin' around 9am... and 10am... and so on and so on. The lax tea is so much stronger than the salt water enema, hurting my bowels a bit in the process. And what comes out is so alien. REALLY?! Really.

Hair looks awesome, no photos as of now. Was undercharged at the salon, then recharged and made the salon explain to the senior stylist that I didn't undertip her, but I based her tip off the amount I was charged initially. Don't want her to think I'm a douche, ya know?

Got home around 9:30 and bought some carrots and onions to sautee for tomorrow's "feast." My first food! It smelled glorious. Watched some 30 Rock episodes on Hulu, then went to bed. Oh, drank more lax tea, but earlier this time. Hopefully will get it out before work. Fingers crossed.

SO CLOSE!

Master Cleanse: Clarifications

That's not my "bored at the club face" - it's my standard party picture face. Smiling make my face wide in self-taken photos. :)

I have yet to weigh myself, so we shall see if weight has been lost, but this is what I've heard from two co-workers:

• "You look narrower."
  
• "You look gaunt and white."
  

That's good, right? Hmm...

Also, my spiritual awakenings are semi-private, so while I may allude to them within posts, I won't spell them outright.

Master Cleanse: Day 5.5 & Night 6

Woke up at 8 AM this morning, on the couch, lights still on, teeth all fuzzy from overnight growth. Felt sort of awake, but knew with my tiny-but-getting-bigger-by-the-moment headache (which likely could've been remedied with a drink of water, thankyouverymuch Tylenol), that I should just go back to sleep. So I crawled into my bed (sorry, Birthday A, no links here), and slept FOUR MORE HOURS. Was so completely glorious!

Then I woke up and uploaded my photos from last night's party onto Facebook, brainstormed for funny captions, felt semi-guilty that I hadn't finished captioning the Israel outtakes (coming soon, DB, I promise!), but then fell asleep again, sorta. I prepared the salt water enema then, adding a half-quart to the mix b/c I wanted shit to start moving literally and guzzled it (ugh).

(p.s. I'm writing this as the wind is churning outside and I'm slowly realizing that my windows aren't insulated for shit! CMON!!)

I watched a few DVR'd shows as well as "You, Me and Dupree," which was fairly forgettable, and in between watching TV and trolling the interwebs, I half-heartedly starting thinking about what I needed to pack for next weekend. Ahh, next weekend. Not only will I be attending the rehearsal dinner on Friday the 16th, then wedding and reception on the 17th of a very dear childhood friend of mine in Maryland, but my family will be there (J's the best man also) so there's THAT and THEN J (my brother)'s accepting his law degree from Georgetown that Sunday the 18th, which is also his birthday! PHEW. He'll be 29. I can't believe he's almost 30. Yeah, it's a year away, but time flies.

Speaking of time and jumping ahead a few hours, after I got my pedicure (which was awesome - I spent 7 dollars more and got some cool massages and wraps AND got the sweetest nail color, called Peach Daiquiri), I went to Trade Fair to pick up some laxative tea, which I should've been drinking all along. While I was at the store, I figured, hey, why not make the chicken broth that you have to eat when tapering off this diet (planning for Tuesday)? And then, why not get some more food that I love to help me celebrate on Wednesday? Like smoked Gouda and flavored (but healthy - got Kashi! 7 WHOLE grains! I don't skimp.) crackers!

So about the time. The chicken broth recipe calls for thyme, which I didn't have at home. So I went to the spice aisle, which in the crowded Trade Fair, is next to one of the aisles, making it difficult to browse. Luckily some cool people were in the aisle that wanted to help me not have to buy the economy, Hi-I-have-six-kids jar of thyme. To no avail, however... PLUS we then had some playful banter about me having to buy the large jar -- such as, "I could always use some more time," and "Nothing bad about extra time." You get it. It was hilarious. Like Nick Cannon.

Then I just made chicken broth and watched episodes of "House" and "30 Rock" on Hulu.com. Woohoo for an uneventful Sunday. My last day of this godforsaken diet is tomorrow. I've felt like I've lost nothing. The trip consisted of some crazy emotional rollercoasters, but no weight loss as far as I can tell. Unless things change within the next 36 hours, I'm sticking to the old "workout" and "eat right" plan. Blerg.

Master Cleanse: Night 5

Tonight was grrrreat... I dressed up nicely and so did A, and we looked great. I felt a little hungry but it was mostly uneventful. I got home around 7:45/8, took a shower, got all primped up then walked arm-in-arm with A to the subway. Met J at 60 & Lex around 9:45, took the N to the F to 2nd Ave then walked slowwwwly (leopard-print platform heels are standing shoes, i.e. not made for walking) to White Rabbit in LES.

Master Cleanse be damned - I enjoyed like 6 glasses of water with lemon while people arrived drunk and/or became drunk. Check me and A out! Instead of drinking, I took tons of photos... wait, I do that regardless. I just talked with A and other people I hadn't seen in a while (miss my Mindshare crew!), drank my water, didn't call attention to it, tried to ignore the waitress's glares and eye-rolling every time I ordered the aforementioned water with lemon.

Look at us!!! We look really good. :) Very healthy.

Got home at 2ish then watched the SNL hosted by Shia LeBeouf. Was not a huge fan, but thought that the "It's a Match" sketch was great. Fell asleep on couch around. Did I mention that I have slept incredibly soundly on this detox?? And that I dreamt that I made out with Will Forte the other night?? Must be all the cayenne pepper.

Master Cleanse: Day 4.5

I woke up today and felt... like... shit. Like I had the worst hangover in the world, even though I hadn't drank in about 5 days. My head was pounding, and then I realized: I was dehydrated. I hadn't had my lemon drink within the correct time span and obviously didn't drink enough water at the party. Not good.

I got up, made my salt water enema, laid down on the couch and suckled it. And watched TV. For hours. Then I supplemented with lemon drink. I knew that I had until at least 3:30 to lay down and get better, until I had to get ready for touch football. Ahh, touch football. J had texted me earlier in the night saying that I was the third girl (three girls are required to be on the field at all times) and I had better show up ("for realsies," according to J) or we would forfeit our chance to get into the playoffs. Needless to say, I had to show up. Head bumping, I took a shower then pulled on my "I Love Lamp" shirt (who do we love? Lamp!) and worn gray yoga pants. Packed up my juice jugs and traipsed to the M60 bus, headed towards Morningside Heights via Harlem.

Got to the field, where several guys were already tossing the pigskin. J was reffing the current game and gave me the old head nod. I let the team know that I hadn't eaten solid food in 4 days and I would give my best. They put me at snap on offense and rush on defense, both of which don't require a lot of running. Then came the girl plays, which means that the pass must be completed by a girl or thrown by a girl. Our quarterback was looking for an opening and no one was there. The defense was doubling up on girls and there were two large guys on me. I ran to the corner and saw him aiming at me. I turned slightly and cradled the ball in my chest like a little baby, despite the giants around me. It was really sweeet. And everyone was so excited! I felt elated. After one more catch from me and several more amazing passes, completions, touchdowns, etc. from the rest of the team, we won! It felt really, really great. The ref was a lot of fun, and we ended up playing a scrimmage with the team after us because their opponents didn't show up. The opposing team was a lot of fun, as we had a great time. All in all, we were all very jubilant. I peed twice that game, and my bowels behaved. The lemon drink was quite the conversation starter!

I'm totally not concentrating on this post, so onto last night. :)

Master Cleanse: Night 4

I'm behind on posts!! Argh.

So Friday night... I left work around 7:30 and headed to Macy's to peruse its semi-skanky/semi-cute dress section. You can find all sort of sparkly prom confections there, if you so desire. I did not, but found a few cute dresses hidden amongst the cheap pack. Good stuff.

Then headed to G's birthday party, which I originally thought would be at a bar. Not too much temptation that way since I just see people drinking, and looking at beer bottles and glass tumblers isn't that enticing. Piping hot food served on warm plates, scents and flavors wafting behind them as the waitress sets them down before you - now THAT'S tempting. And that's what was at G's party, which was held at a restaurant in Koreatown (Korean STREET really - 32nd b/t b'way and 5th or something). I kept cool, though. Talking about Master Cleanse and why I'm doing it really helps with keeping temptation at bay. I just sipped barley water all night long since they didn't have regular water. Guess Korea doesn't have real water?

I was just reeling b/c I hadn't drank my "dinner" portion of the lemon juice that night, and the barley water wasn't cutting it. I told G and his friend (my friend...?) that I was leaving when the crowd got too rowdy b/c there's nothing worse than being the only sober one in a group of 30 drunken people. Plus, I was the oldest one there, which doesn't really matter, but definitely food for thought. Took the subway home and made my lemon drink, but it was too late... I fell asleep knowing that I would be feeling it in the morning.

Master Cleanse: Day 3.5

Sorry I wasn't on this yesterday.. just a really busy day and then went to a birthday party right after work (after going to Macy's to buy some questionable dresses for G's wedding next weekend).

Needless to say (you should be used to loose bowels by now), yesterday was very, um, active. As in... on the way to work. More like, on the way to the subway, thank God. So I ran home, had to change and go to work late. This diet brings me back to my very early days, except this time, if I poop in my pants, I'm the one who has to change it. Oh, and it's embarrassing.

Went with J to our fave lunchtime deli to grab some food (for her) -- by the way, way to GO, Metro Market. Your shiny new doors are fabulous. Really stepping it up a notch! -- and I just looked at my favorite panini (Milano!) longingly for about 2 seconds before turning away. I will devour you soon, my pretty.

I brought in a lot of lemon drink today to make sure I wasn't skimping on my daily requirements of what, like 300 calories? Something nutty like that. Drank a few cups of mint tea and lots of water... resisted eating J's freedom fries (bullets! my only weakness!)... felt a tad bit manic today again, like I couldn't really slow down. Also, I'm getting sloppy with spelling and that's SO NOT ME. I'm still taking Adderall b/c I have to be able to concentrate at work. Sorry Dr. Burroughs, but I'm not going to lose my job over some lbs.

You might notice I'm a little down in writing this - not my usual self. Well, I feel like shit this morning, and that might be due to last night, which I'll elaborate on in the next post. Sayonara!

Master Cleanse: Aside!

Forgot to say - went to the dentist today: NO CAVITIES!

Hell to the yes.

Master Cleanse: Night 3

Big breakthrough tonight! I headed to the grocery store after work b/c I'm out of lemons and syrup. Normally I do what you're not supposed to do: go to the grocery store hungry. Without a list. Would just wander the aisles aimlessly... oh, that looks good. I could do something with that. Then a week later, it goes bad. Story of my life? No, just my food.

But tonight, I walked into the Key Food at 31st St and Ditmars Blvd in Astoria, marched right to the lemons, assessed whether to get one bag or two (two) and whether to buy the 12 oz Grade B organic maple syrup for $8.49 or the 32 oz for $19.99 (32 oz for $19.99 - better unit price, WHAT!). Then, I marched (MARCHED) to the self checkout area, paid for my fruit and syrup and walked (not marched, I was a little tired) home. Didn't buy anything else, although the Light Laughing Cow wedges look delish.

When I get home, I'm SO HUNGRY, but I just can't stop from checking Gawker and double-check that my Thursday night shows are recording (don't watch anything in real-time. it's for suckers.) and lay on my bed for a few minutes. A few minutes turns into like 10 minutes. Whatever. Shows are recording. I gets to juicin'. I still can't get the conversions down in my head and have to consult the paper, which I don't trust, so then I Google it. Whatever. Just mix all the shit together and throw it down the gullet.

I'm totally taking laxative tea tonight b/c I was NOT a fan of the lack of movement in the bowel-ular region this morning. However, I am going to regret this tomorrow morning. You heard it here first!

Back to The Office. Already watched Ugly Betty. Wish there was more Amanda on it - she's why I watch. 30 Rock is next. Sometimes I love Tina Fey so much it hurts.

Master Cleanse: Day 2.5

Got to sleep at 1 AM last night (this morning). Not good. Had to wake up at 6 today to prepare for top-down salt water enema. Woke at 7 instead, angry that I had to choke down more nasty salt water and juice more lemons (don't worry about me losing muscle tone - all that juicing has given me strong forearms!) and pour more of that expensive organic maple syrup down my gullet.

I was tired, sleepy, nauseous and annoyed. But I perservered and drank the stupid salty water and made the old concoction. Then took a shower, laid down for a few, got dressed and... waited. Noooo movement in the bowel region. None. Great - it was moving towards 8:25... I'd have to leave my apt soon, but didn't want to be stuck in the subway with bowel pains. No choice - I couldn't be late to work b/c I had a 10:30 dentist appt. So I left. Got halfway to the subway stop before realizing I forgot the stupid lemon concoction. Quickly went over the options: A) Screw it and try to find an alternative around work. Cons: There's no juicer at the office and no real grocery store, either. B) Screw it and screw the rest of the diet. I hated it this morning anyway. Cons: I would be just giving up on something I really wanted to follow through on. C) Go back to my apt and grab the 2L jug. I chose C.

Got to work at 9:15. Not too bad. But... still haven't moved down there. Am a little worried. Discussed situation with C, my friend who's on it with me. Maybe I'll try laxative tea at night to help things in the morning. Maybe more water. Stay more hydrated during the day.

Then... rumbling. Finally! Just in time for the dentist. How awful would it be to have to go when some dental assistant has her hands in your mouth?? Phew.

Master Cleanse: Night 2

I met with M after work today for a little walk and talk in the Park, so that took my mind off of my deep, throbbing hunger pains. Turns out that I didn't drink enough juice today. I really should be drinking 96 oz and only had prepared 64 oz. Three of my Nalgene bottles, not two. Good to know.

Also, the 1/4 cayenne was TOO MUCH... I am not a huge fan of spicy foods to begin with, and this didn't help my will to consume the drink. I drank like a fish when I came home at 8:45 tonight - so much so that my stomach feels all warm and tingly as if I just took two vodka shots in a row. Fascinating how I'm HALLUCINATING the effects of alcohol and haven't consumed any in 3 days, and I haven't even dreamed about food. Okay, that's a lie. I fantasized about chomping on a french fry during the client call today, chewing on a strawberry Starburst and savoring a Pesto Mozzarella panini. Oohhhhh my my stomach is rumbling like the WWE now.

Going to the dentist tomorrow, and not a moment too soon. I think I have like 10 cavities. My family entered the genetic lottery and got bad teeth. Oh yeah, they're pretty white and straight, but full of holes! Don't think this lemonade + syrup drink is helping the holes, either... AND my teeth are fuzzy on this detox!!! Why IS that?!

Well, off to bed. I asked A to wake me up at 6 AM when she leaves for her early shift at work... so I can prepare for the top-down enema. And I mean PREPARE.
It's not going to be pretty.

Master Cleanse: Day 1.5

This morning I woke up feeling a little groggy and headache-y. I have low blood sugar normally, and usually eat some yogurt or a tiny bowl of cereal before heading out the door so I'm not a raging monster to all who cross my path.

This morning, I couldn't do those things. I woke up early so I could drink the Salt Water "Bath" slash Top-Down Enema that you must. take. with. enough. time. before. work. so. you. don't. shit. your. pants. on. the. way. I could barely choke the concoction down - 2 tsp "uniodized" sea salt in 1 qt water. UGH. Tasted like I swallowed the ocean. Then I juiced my lemons, measured out the maple syrup (GRADE B!) and dumped in the cayenne to stave off hunger pains. Then I laid down for a few since I felt ick. THEN came the rumblings. Luckily my bedroom's next to the bathroom. Where the hell did THAT come from??

(I then left for the subway to work, carrying my enormous Nalgene full of lemonade "drink." And I must admit, I wore panty liners to prevent any accidents. Seriously, this stuff comes out when it wants to.)

SO HUNGRY... so hungry... trying to rise above thoughts of food. I should choose when I want to eat it, not the other way around! (That's what I'm trying to tell myself, on repeat, broken-record style...) Everywhere there are temptations - from the fries and paninis my colleagues brought into a client meeting today to the bowl of Starburst and York Peppermint Patties near my desk that I walk by every hour since this drink fills up my bladder like it's 1999.

I kind of feel smug, in a way, like "Oh, look at all those slaves to food." But I'm also feeling, "Ugh, I just want to feel a different texture in my mouth - to crunch a chip or chew a sandwich." I'm kind of missing out on a social life this week since I'm not going out to dinners or out for drinks this week/weekend (YES! The weekEND!), but it's probably for the best since I need to heal both my checking account and my darling liver.

More later. I really have to pee.

Master Cleanse: Day .5

After consuming a large lunch at Koi (a most delicious Japanese eatery in the Bryant Park Hotel) of Crispy Rice, Lobster-Shrimp Tempura roll and Edamame, I decided to forgo other foods for the rest of the day. To save up for the big beginning of the Master Cleanse, you see.

So far, I have spent the night juicing and talking to friends. My sister-in-law was none too happy to hear of my entry into the crazy world of the Cleanse, but she and my brother said they'd offer support. Good thing, because one of my friends has dropped out. Lame! To give her credit, she has been on it for a full work day, whereas I've only been on it for a half-day. And only have consumed the "lemonade drink" once. My other friend (who's done it several times and is just coming off of it) said to put more cayenne pepper in than the recipe calls for since it's an appetite suppressant.

...oh my gosh, I can't even concentrate anymore. My stomach is turning itself inside out from hunger pains. I have to wake up early to make the rest of this crappy drink, as well as to account for dumping the entire contents of my bowels (slowly) into the toilet bowl. It won't be pretty. The top-down enema (sea salt and water! who knew!!) is going to make my intestines wring themselves dry.

Stay tuned...